Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Lmbo
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
how to exercise your calf muscles
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
My new favorite headline
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
