Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Lmao 😁
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
