Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

The A string on my guit_r is flat

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.