Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.