Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

The best plant holders?

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.