Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

🫶

awesome draft from months ago i just found

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.