Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
You Might Also Like
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash