Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
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[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I disagree with my politics
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.