Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
You Might Also Like
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Hey I worked for it too!
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.