Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get distracted pretty eas

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls