Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Yup

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.