Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
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I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
the duality of man
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
