Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
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I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip