Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

Dance like you’re not the father

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

well this is just bullshirt

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.