Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
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nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?