Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
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To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
LMFAOOOO
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Pat is about to own someone
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again