Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
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Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.