@Jesstrat

Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card

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@VanVeenB

Dance like nobody’s watching you.

‘Cause they’re not.
Nobody cares.

~Inspirational tweet~

@polyhumorous

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

@weinerdog4life

Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.

@Home_Halfway

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

@yerpalmildsauce

How did you get those horrible burns?
*flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster*
I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

@KatieBurnett

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

@Smooheed

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

@Browtweaten

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

@copymama

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.