Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card

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The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.


*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*


My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.


The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else’s birthday.


[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?


INTERVIEWER: do u have any weaknesses
VIDEO GAME BOSS: [strugling to cover glowing weak spots all over body] UM


me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me


[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]


god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing