One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
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Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”