Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card

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My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.


Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.


I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”


While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?



Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.


Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.


The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…