@Jesstrat

Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card

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@skittle624

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

@maebemarbles

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

@Vodkantots

The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else’s birthday.

@caithuls

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: do u have any weaknesses
VIDEO GAME BOSS: [strugling to cover glowing weak spots all over body] UM

@GrantTanaka

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

@dorsalstream

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

@FredTaming

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing