Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
i dont have time for this
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.