Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

mathematically impossible

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.