Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

inside you are two wolves

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

❤️❤️❤️

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

felt cute might bury dad later idk

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

The only time I’ll care about Basketball: