Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

We’re all getting idioter.

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Every Adele song is about lasagna.