Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

Breaking news:

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.