3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
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Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win