Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

#NoRestForTheWicked

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!