things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
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[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery