Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Me: How do think pirates said “booty” all the time without laughing?
Mother-in-law: I begged my daughter not to marry you.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can / super speed, giant leap / crawls in your mouth when you’re asleep
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up