@evilmallelis

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

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@o__0Dev

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

@ArielDumas

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

@Miz_Mental_Case

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

@AngelaEhh

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

@fire2sweet

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

@ComedicBust

Me: How do think pirates said “booty” all the time without laughing?

Mother-in-law: I begged my daughter not to marry you.

@jaggings

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can / super speed, giant leap / crawls in your mouth when you’re asleep

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

@TheRealPalMal

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

@Marlebean

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up