things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

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Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.


“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”


If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.


Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.


Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.


Me: How do think pirates said “booty” all the time without laughing?

Mother-in-law: I begged my daughter not to marry you.


Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can / super speed, giant leap / crawls in your mouth when you’re asleep


Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”


How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?


I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up