@evilmallelis

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

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@crabgirl_

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

@Mr_Kapowski

*petting a dog*

So how long have you been blind, officer?

*gets arrested*

@dreamthievin

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

@PeachCoffin

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

@shariv67

My husband said he bought the toupรฉe for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

@ConanOBrien

One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.

@hazelmotes1

I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

*i catch my popular son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don’t, mister. this is a goth family