things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween