Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
concern
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
