Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
