Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
I know this now 😂
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
