Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
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product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭