Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

ready to be harvested

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.