Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

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