Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing