Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

I need to update my racial profile.

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

horrifying if literal: the electric slide