Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
You Might Also Like
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.