Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
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interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Stop being racist to kettles.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn