ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
You Might Also Like
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
We all have our pet causes.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.