Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

W

*watches the world burn*

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.