Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.