Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Spell check is for lasers.

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me