Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
When I face a minor setback
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
What
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
