Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

Awesome parenting 😂

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.