Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

#TopTip

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.