Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
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where the womens at?
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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e
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All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs