Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
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THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
That’s easy for you to say
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never