Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

I needed a laugh this morning.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

sensitive skin

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.