Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.