Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

i love modern commerce

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.