Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

Me: Why are you in my bed?

8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots