Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
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Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Going to church you guys need anything
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me