Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?