Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.