Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…