Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
#SaturdayBears
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Venn
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.