Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

When I face a minor setback

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

concern

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.