Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

How animals would run if they were human

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place