Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!