Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

I just ran a .003048K

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.

HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.