Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

applying for a new job

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile