Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
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[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
March 16
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
every olympics i turn into this guy
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
