Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

These are too funny not to post 😂

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

The answer is funnier than the question

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”