Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.