Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sticker placement is key.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”