Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
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*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
what the hell girl, sure
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
sistine chapel
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.