Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.