things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
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7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
The funk soul brother
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.