Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.