Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

respect

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”